Im sure you all have figured out by now that I haven't been very active with my blog or for that matter, social media all together. I have been through a number of pretty eventful experiences the past 4 months and am finally coming out of it all with dust settling. If you follow my Instagram, you should know by now that I moved back to Miami Beach, FL. What was supposed to be just a two-week vacation for the holidays, turned into another dramatic decision of moving 3,000 miles away from what I called home in LA. I left my car, my furniture, my clothes, boxes of miscellaneous property, and more all behind, and stayed in Miami with just 2 bags, my purse, and my dignity. Why? Because I'm truthfully trying to find my happiness wherever it may lead me. Even if that means coming back where I left to begin with. Im trying to find where I belong in this oddly small but enormous world we live in, because I have not found it just yet no matter where I go or who I'm around. I find myself in a room of people and am still alone. I can be in the most popular, famous, or rich parts of the USA and still not be happy with whats in front of me. So I started to look within.
When I got to Miami, it was deja vu. I was brought back 1-2 years ago to when I was living here as a yoga teacher, engaged, settled down and completely naive. As much as I knew id never "unlearn" what I now know or go backwards with my maturity level, I wanted to feel what I felt before things got bad in hopes I could regain and keep those feelings. Before I caused this uproar of life shifts and insane change in my life that I never saw coming. I would go to my old yoga studio for an hour a day to feel close to what I left behind, id go to the freakishly clean and perfect Fresh Market grocery store down the street to grab my hummus and cracker brand that they only carry to taste what 12 months ago was like, believe it or not, I even tried to get back with my ex fiancé just to try and prove to myself that I was here for that reason. And man, did I eat the humble pie by the truck loads. Not only was I overthinking everything and completely delusional, turned down and heart broken, but I was also trying to run away from my current problems and go back to what I was comfortable with, even though I wasn't happy. You cannot find happiness where you once lost it. I learned that the hard way. No matter what i did though, nothing actually felt right. Everything felt forced, inorganic, and it seemed like everyone was looking at me weird as fuck. Once I let it sink in that I needed to find something else to do on my vacation (at the time) other than feel sorry for myself and be reminded of times that were once amazing and a huge part of my life and are now the past, but I really needed to wake up and know that I deserved more. MUCH more. I needed to see that my past, whatever that was in it, wasn't serving me anymore. And so I let it all go. I cried and cried and cried to my ex until he shut the car door for the last time after our last conversation. When that exact moment happened, I drove off, and all I could do was just smile. The tears stopped and never came back. I smiled because I was happy for him and his new found love. I smiled because I was finally rid of the feeling that someday we'd be back together again and that I was working on myself for "us" to be together again. I was wrong the entire time... I smiled because, I finally had my answer and it was time to move on to the next chapter. So for the passed 4 months, Iv started over and Im finally working on me, for me.
Iv seen the highs of the highs, and the lowest and darkest of the lows in exactly 12 months. I have dated every kind of guy there is, I have partied hard and been as lazy as I wanted to be. I have worked tooth and nail, shed blood, sweat and tears over meaningless things that never deserved my energy. I have made stupid mistakes that were no one else's fault but mine and I have learned the hardest lesson of taking accountability. I have seen some crazy shit and done some crazy shit. And with dumb, crazy, and immature times comes experience and wisdom. There can be no knowledge without a lesson learned.
Up until about 2-3 months ago, I was so focused on everyone else around me and what was going on out there. Hot guys, pretty girls to go out with, status, who has the most followers, money, being a people pleaser etc. But its gotten so old to watch narcissistic people focus on themselves and me being so absorbed into watching that and being entertained by it, that now I'm falling behind and am now just a consumer and a fan of them. That has irritated me big time. So I made a sharp turn and changed that. Quickly.
- Step one: I started to let go of material wealth and being in a nice place to live, and having an impressive job title. Convinced myself it was just stuff, and that I wanted it, but didn't need it. And no one really cared about where I lived or what I did for a living more than myself, and if they did I probably didn't like them anyways. Once I made that a reality, I didn't have much to worry about.
- Step two: I GAVE MY iPHONE THE FUCKIN BOOT. I sold it, and got an $80 Android and changed my phone number after 8 years. Best decision I EVER made. I haven't been consumed into social media, its proactive and productive and helps me move forward and grow in life (literally) instead of be one with the cool kids. iPhones are awesome, don't get me wrong. But this phone literally reminds me to drink water every hour on the hour, and I DO IT. and for those who know me, know I will go TWO DAYS without drinking a full glass of water just because I don't remember to drink water. And boy the bathroom has been my best friend. Today, I had 35 super important tasks on my to-do list and 31 got handled like a boss. Because my Android is a fuckin G and had that shit in my face all day. As much as I tried, my iPhone could never pull that shit off. Im also learning to speak Spanish. Theres an app for that. But I will always have a macbook though. Just sayin....
- Step three: I weeded out my circle of friends. Nuff said....Aint nobody got time fo dat.
- Step four: I made a plan, I set goals, I journal about my ideas and thoughts, and I get shit done. I stopped going out, I stopped caring about who was texting me, I stopped wanting to date and have arm candy (even though its SOOO much fun), and I started focusing on ME. Tunnel vision and reality kicking in to the 100th degree. Whew...
- Step five: Started eating clean, dropped the breads and cheese, exercising and practicing yoga on the reg, and instead of Uber, I ride a bike everywhere. Focusing on staying active and keeping my energy levels high during the day so they're low at night. Sleep is starting to be something I cherish very much. And saving money. Almost ALL my problems are stemmed by financial roots. So being smart with my dollar is super important to me.
- Step six: I stopped being so fucking picky about my living situation and work occupation. A room is a room, and a job is a fucking JOB. There are people that work 18 hours a day, for .10c an hour, and sleep in a fucking shack, maybe. And they aren't given a choice. Im more than grateful to wake up on a damn couch to a view of the beach and ride my deco-bike to my waitressing job at an amazing cuban restaurant. Because one day, that waitressing job is going to make me so much money and give me so much experience to possibly self fund my candle business again like I keep trying and failing at. I will be able to pay for my apartment, car, phone, food, and be able to save money for whatever I want to spend it on or invest it in with no problem at all.
A person who was once grateful to ride the bus back then, is the one thankful to be in a Lamborghini today.
Stop complaining, stop over thinking, and start living in the solution instead of the problem. That is exactly what I am doing, and its taken me a LONG time to figure that out. Looking back, I have always had ISSUES on ISSUES on PROBLEMS on FUCK UPS. But what have I done to fix any of those fucking problems other than complain, tell people the stories to shock them, and feel sorry for myself? Not a damn thing up until just recently. I am the problem until I am the answer. Because I am here and my actions are by choice, not by force. So I can't blame anyone but myself for the outcome.
I am in no way perfect. I have issues of my own, I get sad sometimes, Im in no way financially admirable, and the position I'm in at the moment is extremely humbling. I have seen darkness that not even my enemies I wish it upon. I am constantly challenged in ways that some would give up undoubtedly the first hour of the experience, though iv gone through it for months at a time if not years. But no matter where I may be at right now, where I have been or where I'm going, I do not regret a thing and I will always have a smile on my face. I have worth and morals, I'm a hard worker and I'm not a piece of shit. I tell the truth, I stay genuine and thoughtful, I stay positive and I give back when I can. And knowing this and acknowledging it makes ALL the difference.
Keeping it real isn't easy for me in a light like the world wide web. It comes easy when explaining to one person face to face, but I'm purposefully making myself vulnerable, writing this blog entry, and opening myself up to possibly hundreds if not thousands of people knowing my personal depth. I write long passages because I'm passionate and don't want to miss a single detail if that means you all learn from it. If you benefit from my experiences or words of young wisdom, then iv done my job.
Lots of new content will be up soon! Sorry for being gone so long! Wont happen again <3